As Eric and I continue to "WAIT", I'd like to take a moment to educate the world on positive adoption language/ comments. In case you were wondering we've had some more situation calls, but haven't found our "ONE" yet. Going into adoption you read about all the things you will hear, but when you actually hear those things (or worse) it can stop you in your tracks and leave you speechless. This process is hard enough without adding on the normal bystanders rude comments. Eric and I have heard it all (Yep, every single one of them), and this is my attempt to educate you on what we have learned (And how we view things) so maybe that one person that's in your office that just announced her adoption plans will receive a better reaction. Which leads me to the phrase that usually starts it all..
"We're adopting!"
This is a statement that deserves the respect that any other pregnancy announcement gets.
PERIOD.
THINGS WE'D RATHER NOT HEAR:
"Why?" Isn't the answer to this obvious already? We wanted to start a family. Asking "why" right off the bat implies that adoption is not as sacred as building a family the good ole fashion pregnancy route way. Adoption takes a lot of love and sacrifice to build a family. Instead try asking what type of adoption they chose. (After you gush and wish them congratulations first!)
"What's wrong with you? / Why can't you have your own kids?" First things first.. there's nothing wrong with us. We (and our social worker) can attest to our mental competency (More than I can say about you for asking this question, I digress, this is my most hated statement) Whether or not a woman is forthcoming on her struggles to have a biological child is really not your business. (Maybe they didn't struggle with fertility at all) Think of it this way, you wouldn't ask a pregnant woman what position her and her husband used to conceive their child, would you? It's just as private when it comes to adoption. Secondly, the phrase "OWN" kids.. This will be our OWN child.. we will be the ones entrusted to raise this child and it's as real as anything can be.
"My sister's neighbor's brother adopted and.. (Insert scary story)"
Conversation Between Co-Workers:
Susie: I'm pregnant!
Nancy: My neighbor's sister was pregnant and had eclampsia, got an infection, bled out and died.
Susie: .................................................... Thanks for the info?
That conversation is the equivalent when you tell that scary adoption story. We know the risks, we don't need a constant reminder of them. If you have to tell us a story, please tell us a happy story!!!
"your (Insert Drug) baby.." This just feeds the stereotype that every birthmom is a teenage drug addict. Yes, there are situations out there that match that description, but more often than not that just isn't the case. Let me enlighten you, birthmom's can come from all walks of life (A college student just starting out in the real world, a successful woman focusing on her career, etc..). Whatever that life looks like we know that she has made the bravest choice to place her child for adoption. Please never use this phrase (Even jokingly) to anyone adopting. We've done the research, we've talked to doctor's, we've taken classes about this topic, we alone know what we are willing to accept. I equate this to calling a baby ugly.. just no, no..
"How much are you paying for your baby?" No, we did not pay for a baby. That's completely illegal. If you need a breakdown of all the fees I've paid my agency would happily supply you in detail what our money goes towards. Maybe you're curious about adoption and if it's right for your family, if that's the case, try phrasing it as "What type of agency fees did you encounter?"
"There's so many kids waiting for homes (Insert-Why didn't you just do foster care?-Why do you need a newborn?)" Let me preface this by saying there is no right or wrong way to adopt. This is a personal choice that only the family can make. There are so many different avenues that anyone can take to adopt, but at the end of the day you do what feels right in your heart. We advocate for open adoption because that's what we are passionate about. You can advocate about foster care and we will fully support that. Who knows.. one day we may choose that route and you may sing a different tune on open adoption. It's all good.. just like adoption itself there are many different ways to start a family!!! Instead, try asking us why we chose open adoption.
"You're getting your baby the easy way" While I have never had the pleasure of being pregnant, I can tell you there is nothing "easy" about the adoption process. I could go on and on about the steps we had to take to even get to this point (Which were hard enough), but now that we are actually experiencing "THE WAIT" there is a whole new side of uneasiness. Other than loving an unborn child and birth family there is nothing "easy" about adoption.
"Was the birthmom on drugs?/ What's wrong with the birthmom?" This goes along the lines of hearing "crack baby". You might as well not ask this question. Most adoptive parents only tell their child's story to their child (Age and learning stage appropriate, of course). So you'll most likely never hear the story.. unless it's coming from the child's mouth. Think of it this way. You probably wouldn't be too happy if everyone around you knew a secret ABOUT you before you knew, right?
"When do you get your baby?" Most likely the adoptive family has no idea when they will be chosen, nor do they know how long they will have to prepare. A few months? 24 hours? The possibilities are endless. While we are waiting ask us how we've been, what's new, how are we passing the time?.. if there's any adoption news to share we will most likely tell you, otherwise, don't keep reminding us that we haven't gotten "THE CALL" yet.
"How could she give a baby up?" A birth mom does anything but give a baby up for adoption. A birthmom made an adoption plan. A birthmom made the brave choice to place her child in the care of another mother's arms. A birthmom made a plan, out of love, to make someone else a family. We love birthmom's, you should too, they're pretty incredible. Simple solution, take "gave up" out of your vocabulary. Instead, use "made an adoption plan". Also, visit www.bravelove.org to see stories about the love birthmom's have for their babies and chosen adoptive parents.
"Come here and look at this random stranger's baby" Looking at a random stranger's baby will not make us feel better, it will probably make us feel worse. We may pretend to admire, but deep down we hurt. Does this happen to pregnant women? I always feel like because I'm not carrying my child they don't think I know what a baby looks like, so they have to point one out. (This never happened before I had announced our adoption plans!) Sorry to the random stranger, you have a cute baby and all, I just don't need to be constantly reminded that I have NO IDEA when my cute baby is coming. And to the person pointing the baby out.. I'm good, I've seen a baby or two in my lifetime. I'm prepared for cuteness.
"We're adopting!"
This is a statement that deserves the respect that any other pregnancy announcement gets.
PERIOD.
THINGS WE'D RATHER NOT HEAR:
"Why?" Isn't the answer to this obvious already? We wanted to start a family. Asking "why" right off the bat implies that adoption is not as sacred as building a family the good ole fashion pregnancy route way. Adoption takes a lot of love and sacrifice to build a family. Instead try asking what type of adoption they chose. (After you gush and wish them congratulations first!)
"What's wrong with you? / Why can't you have your own kids?" First things first.. there's nothing wrong with us. We (and our social worker) can attest to our mental competency (More than I can say about you for asking this question, I digress, this is my most hated statement) Whether or not a woman is forthcoming on her struggles to have a biological child is really not your business. (Maybe they didn't struggle with fertility at all) Think of it this way, you wouldn't ask a pregnant woman what position her and her husband used to conceive their child, would you? It's just as private when it comes to adoption. Secondly, the phrase "OWN" kids.. This will be our OWN child.. we will be the ones entrusted to raise this child and it's as real as anything can be.
"My sister's neighbor's brother adopted and.. (Insert scary story)"
Conversation Between Co-Workers:
Susie: I'm pregnant!
Nancy: My neighbor's sister was pregnant and had eclampsia, got an infection, bled out and died.
Susie: .................................................... Thanks for the info?
That conversation is the equivalent when you tell that scary adoption story. We know the risks, we don't need a constant reminder of them. If you have to tell us a story, please tell us a happy story!!!
"your (Insert Drug) baby.." This just feeds the stereotype that every birthmom is a teenage drug addict. Yes, there are situations out there that match that description, but more often than not that just isn't the case. Let me enlighten you, birthmom's can come from all walks of life (A college student just starting out in the real world, a successful woman focusing on her career, etc..). Whatever that life looks like we know that she has made the bravest choice to place her child for adoption. Please never use this phrase (Even jokingly) to anyone adopting. We've done the research, we've talked to doctor's, we've taken classes about this topic, we alone know what we are willing to accept. I equate this to calling a baby ugly.. just no, no..
"How much are you paying for your baby?" No, we did not pay for a baby. That's completely illegal. If you need a breakdown of all the fees I've paid my agency would happily supply you in detail what our money goes towards. Maybe you're curious about adoption and if it's right for your family, if that's the case, try phrasing it as "What type of agency fees did you encounter?"
"There's so many kids waiting for homes (Insert-Why didn't you just do foster care?-Why do you need a newborn?)" Let me preface this by saying there is no right or wrong way to adopt. This is a personal choice that only the family can make. There are so many different avenues that anyone can take to adopt, but at the end of the day you do what feels right in your heart. We advocate for open adoption because that's what we are passionate about. You can advocate about foster care and we will fully support that. Who knows.. one day we may choose that route and you may sing a different tune on open adoption. It's all good.. just like adoption itself there are many different ways to start a family!!! Instead, try asking us why we chose open adoption.
"You're getting your baby the easy way" While I have never had the pleasure of being pregnant, I can tell you there is nothing "easy" about the adoption process. I could go on and on about the steps we had to take to even get to this point (Which were hard enough), but now that we are actually experiencing "THE WAIT" there is a whole new side of uneasiness. Other than loving an unborn child and birth family there is nothing "easy" about adoption.
"Was the birthmom on drugs?/ What's wrong with the birthmom?" This goes along the lines of hearing "crack baby". You might as well not ask this question. Most adoptive parents only tell their child's story to their child (Age and learning stage appropriate, of course). So you'll most likely never hear the story.. unless it's coming from the child's mouth. Think of it this way. You probably wouldn't be too happy if everyone around you knew a secret ABOUT you before you knew, right?
"When do you get your baby?" Most likely the adoptive family has no idea when they will be chosen, nor do they know how long they will have to prepare. A few months? 24 hours? The possibilities are endless. While we are waiting ask us how we've been, what's new, how are we passing the time?.. if there's any adoption news to share we will most likely tell you, otherwise, don't keep reminding us that we haven't gotten "THE CALL" yet.
"How could she give a baby up?" A birth mom does anything but give a baby up for adoption. A birthmom made an adoption plan. A birthmom made the brave choice to place her child in the care of another mother's arms. A birthmom made a plan, out of love, to make someone else a family. We love birthmom's, you should too, they're pretty incredible. Simple solution, take "gave up" out of your vocabulary. Instead, use "made an adoption plan". Also, visit www.bravelove.org to see stories about the love birthmom's have for their babies and chosen adoptive parents.
"Come here and look at this random stranger's baby" Looking at a random stranger's baby will not make us feel better, it will probably make us feel worse. We may pretend to admire, but deep down we hurt. Does this happen to pregnant women? I always feel like because I'm not carrying my child they don't think I know what a baby looks like, so they have to point one out. (This never happened before I had announced our adoption plans!) Sorry to the random stranger, you have a cute baby and all, I just don't need to be constantly reminded that I have NO IDEA when my cute baby is coming. And to the person pointing the baby out.. I'm good, I've seen a baby or two in my lifetime. I'm prepared for cuteness.